[tall thin bloke]

MY DEAR PUBLIC ,
PEOPLE OFTEN CALL ME RUDE AND ABUSIVE NAMES BUT THATS ANOTHER STORY . SOME ASK ME "WERE YOU ALWAYS LIKE YOU ARE?" ALAS I SAY , NO! I USED TO BE REGULAR AND DOWDY LIKE YOURSELF BUT THEN ONE SMALL HOLIDAY CHANGED ME FOREVER AND WILL ALWAYS LEAVE A "DISTINCT IMPRESSION " ON EVERYONE I EVER MEET .......WELL THATS WHAT THE MAGISTRATE SAID IN HIS SUMMING UP BUT THERE WAS NOTHING INDECENT ABOUT MY EXSPOSURE ! THE LADIES WILL ALL VOUCH FOR THAT .

MY TRUE STORY BEGINS A FEW MOONS AGO (YES I USED TO PLAY RUGBY) WHEN A HOLIDAY IN LANZAROTE WAS SUGGESTED BY A FRIEND . SUN,SAND,BABES,BOOZE,BABES,BABES &BOOZE(&BABES) WERE NOT REALLY THE REAL REASONS FOR GOING........MUMMY AND DADDY WERE PAYING FOR IT ..
I ARRIVED WITH MY "PARTNER" , LETS CALL HER "SHORT FAT BIRD " .SFB LIKED TO WEAR ALL IN ONE SWIMSUITS AND TO IMPRESS THE LADS ON THE BEACH WOULD PUSH HER BREASTS OUT FROM UNDER EACH ARMPIT TO CATCH A FEW RAYS WITHOUT LOOSENING THE HALTER STRAPS...PLUS WOULD REFRAIN FROM SORTING OUT THE OLD BIKINI LINE SO THAT IN THE DRY HEAT OF LANZAROTE A SMALL UNINTENTIONAL BUSHFIRE WAS A REAL DANGER!!!!
EVEN ON THE FIRST DAY AT LA FAMARA , I HEARD A VOICE FROM THE BEACH CRY " GOD HELP US WILL YOU LOOK AT THOSE TWO!!"" PUT YOUR **** AWAY " I SNARLED .
AND AT THAT MOMENT I DECIDED I HAD TO FIND A DISTRACTING HOBBY FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. IT WAS THEN I SAW SOME "HEROES OF THE SEA " GLIDING ,CARVING SWEEPING THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE SHORE .I SAW THE LOOK IN THE EYES OF THE HUNNIES ON THE SAND AND LOOKED SFB UP AND ACROSS! .WOW I THOUGHT NOT ONE CHICK WITH THOSE GUYS IS A MOOSE (OR AS WIDE AS SHE IS TALL) .....THAT SOLD THE IDEA OF SURFING TO ME AND HELPED SHAPE THE LEGEND THAT IS TALL THIN BLOKE .

CIAO FOR NOW!

[tall thin bloke]

MY DEAR PUBLIC ,
MY SHORT FAT BIRD(REMEMBER THIS WAS PRE-TTB) AND I HAD WITNESSED SURFING FIRST HAND OR "PAW " IN THE CASE OF "IT "STANDING NEXT TO ME AT LA FAMARA BEACH IN LANZAROTE . I WAS HOOKED........ COOLNESS , IMAGE , CHICKS ,IMAGE , CHICKS ,CHICKS AND NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES WERE WITHIN MY GRASP!!!!!!!!!!

HOW? , WHERE? ,WHO? , WHY? ......THESE QUESTIONS ARE FREQUENTLY ASKED IN MY PRESENCE , BUT THEN IT WAS ME PONDERING THE MYSTERIES OF SURFING . THEN "IT" HAD AN IDEA THAT FOR ONCE DID'NT INVOLVE CHIPS....."SURF SCHOOL " IT MUMBLED . FOR ONCE I BOTHERED TO ASK FOR A REPETITION "SURF!SCHOOL!" IT REPEATED .
LA SANTA SURF WERE THE BOYS I CALLED . THIRTY POUNDS FOR A DAYS SURFING AT FAMARA.... WET SUIT , BOARD HIRE AND A DODGY LUNCH THROWN UP....I MEAN... IN. THEY WOULD PICK ME UP IN THE MORNING AT 8.30 IN THEIR "MINI-BUS...ERMMM" STILL I WENT TO BED HAPPY AND EXCITED EVEN AFTER HAVING TO SERVICE THE OLD BOILER!........IT WAS CHILLY AND THE HEATING WAS ON THE BLINK !.......(I KNOW IT WAS LANZAROTE BUT YOU CANT PASS UP THE CHANCE OF SLIPPING IN A CHEAP GAG LIKE THAT CAN YOU?)

UNTIL NEXT TIME CIAO LADIES

[tall thin bloke]

DEAR ADORING CHICKS ......
IT WAS 8.30 AM ,OUTSIDE THE PERFUMERY IN PUERTO DEL CARMEN , LANZAROTE .WHERE WAS THE "MINI-BUS "?I HAD A PAIR OF BATHERS IN A BAG WITH A TOWEL AND A BELLY FULL OF BUTTERFLYS . ONE DAY ,JUST ONE MORE DAY OF THAT MOOSE AND THEN CHICKS,CHICKS,CHICKS HOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL , WOLFTIME BABY! WHEN I COULD SURF ( THAT EVENING I PRESUMED ) THE HUNNIES WOULD BE THERE FOR THE TAKING AND THE CHELSEA BUN I'D ARRIVED WITH WOULD BE FIT FOR BAKING !

A LOUD NOISE , A CLOUD OF BLACK DUST AND 3 PEDESTRIANS HAVING ASTHMA ATTACKS,TOLD ME THAT MY CARRIAGE FOR THE DAY HAD ARRIVED , DRIVEN BY A SWARTHY FOREIGN LOOKING GENTLEMAN .
"ELLO SIGNORINA....HEHEH" HE WHEEZED ,WAS HE TAKING THE P**S OR WHAT ."ERM HELLO THERE SPANIARD " I ANSWERED AND CLIMBED ABOARD TO BE GREETED BY A BLONDE SLEEPY LOOKING SPANNER WHO CALLED HIMSELF "MEMAGNUSOORYOU"
BEING TYPICALLY BRITISH AND WELL SCHOOLED IN THE ART THAT IS FORMAL AND SOCIAL ETIQUETTE (2 T's?) I IGNORED HIM AND LOOKED OUT OF THE WINDOW IN THE BELIEF THAT IF A FOREIGN JOHNNY WANTS TO TALK TO ME , AN ENGLISHMAN , HE SHOULD DAMN WELL TALK ENGLISH NOT BLOODY GIBBERISH!

WE PULLED AWAY AND MANUEL THE DRIVER TURNED OUT TO BE MANUEL THE DRIVER & SURF SCHOOL OWNER! OH DEAR I THOUGHT THIS IS GOING RAPIDLY DOWNHILL WHEN SUDDENLY WE SCREECHED TO A HALT AND IN HOPPED A DELECTABLE PIECE OF TICKLE NAMED AGETHA FROM...CAN YOU GUESS....THATS RIGHT NOT BRITAIN ... GERMANY!!!!!!!!!! AND WORSE STILL HER ENGLISH WAS BETTER THAN MINE . THEN HER BOYFRIEND RALPH CAME ABOARD . WELL THE MASTER RACE HAD NEVER SEEN SUCH A PAIR OF ARIAN "GIFTS FROM ABOVE " THEY WERE STUNNINGLY GREAT IN ALL DEPARTMENTS LOOKS , STYLE , GRAMMAR AND THEY COULD SPEAK , APART FROM THE OBVIOUS ENGLISH.....SPANISH AND NORWEGIAN (MEMAGNUOORYOU WAS FROM NORWAY , I THINK THATS IN FINLAND NEAR AUSTRIA ) AND EVEN GERMAN!!!!!!!!!
ANOTHER STOP AND THIS TIME ANOTHER GERMAN CONSIGNMENT A 12YR OLD AND HIS FATHER . THE BOY WAS LAME THOUGH HE ONLY SPOKE SPANISH ..NO ENGLISH HAHA..OH YES AND FRENCH BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT THAT THE NORWEGIAN COULD SPEAK PERFECT FRENCH AND HE TALKED TO EVERYBODY THROUGH THE BOY WHO TALKED TO THE GERMAN GIRL IN GERMAN WHO TALKED TO MANUEL IN SPANISH WHO ANSWERED IN ERM OH YES SPANISH ..THEN AGETHA SPOKE TO RALPH WHO SPOKE IN NORWEGIAN TO THE NORWEGIAN(THATS THE MAN FROM NORWAY).PHEW!
I JUST LOOKED OUT OF THE WINDOW , DO YOU KNOW THAT NOT ONE OF THOSE IGNORANT UNEDUCATED FOREIGNERS ONCE TRIED TO ENGAGE ME IN CONVERSATION . WELL I THOUGHT WE'LL WAIT AND SEE HOW YOU ALL GET ON WHEN IT COMES TO THE WET STUFF ...SPANISHMAN USED TO THE DRY HEAT . NORWEGIAN USED TO SNOW AND CARIBOU MILK , GERMAN FELLAS AND TICKLE USED TO MARCHING EVERYWHERE NOT SWIMMING HAHA.... ENGLISHMEN LIKE ME WERE BORN TO SURF , AN ISLAND RACE OF SEAFARERS AND ALL THAT .

THEN WE PICKED UP DAVE OUR INSTRUCTOR FOR THE DAY ...........HE WAS WELSH!!!!!!!!!
UNTIL NEXT TIME WHEN WE WILL FINALLY ARRIVE AT MANUELS SURF SHOP TO GET KITTED OUT, HIT THE BEACH AND THE MEN WERE SORTED OUT FROM THE BOYS ....(EXCEPT THE CHICK ..AND THE BOY)

[tall thin bloke]

MY PUBLIC ,WE'RE IN THE BUS AND IN GETS DAVE OUR "INSTRUCTOR" FOR THE DAY ................"HELLO THERE ..IS'NT IT" HE SAID .DAMN I THOUGHT WELSH! NOW I'VE NOTHING AGAINST THE WELSH ...EXCEPT THAT THEY HATE US! OF COURSE NOT ALL THE WELSH HATE THE ENGLISH..THE MANIC STREET PREACHERS DON'T AS WE BUY ALL THEIR RECORDS!
NOW DAVE WAS AS "UNCOOL"AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT OPENING HIS MOUTH . THE MOMENT HE DID HOWEVER HE HIT A -10 ON THE "COOLDUDE " LEVEL OF COOLNESS (INVENTED BY YOURS TRULY , SIMPLY AT FIRST TO COUNTERACT MY MOTHERS COMMENT OF " ONLY GOD HIMSELF KNOWS JUST WHAT HE WAS PLAYING AT BY UNLEASHING YOU ONTO ALL THOSE POOR UNSUPECTING PEOPLE ...YOU W****R!)
HE SAID "IS'NT IT " A T THE END OF EVERYTHING AND "OOOH THATS CLE..V..E..R" A LOT AS WELL . NOW WHEN THE BUS ARRIVED AT A SURPRISINGLY CLEAN AND TIDY SURF SHOP ,FULLY KITTED OUT WITH BOARDS , SUITS ETC THINGS STARTED TO LOOK UP...UNTIL MANUEL HANDED ME MY WETSUIT ...IT WAS OLD AND CRACKED AND HAD "PIRELLI " FAINTLY EMBOSSED DOWN ONE ARM (STRANGE THAT ) THE CRUTCH SEAM FELT LIKE RAZOR WIRE AND THE LEVEL OF "FLEXIBILITY " WAS'NT!

SUIT ON AND BACK INTO THE BUS . 200 METRES AND THERE WE WERE LA FAMARA AND WHAT A SIGHT . TO THE RIGHT STUNNING BARE CLIFFS SOARED SKYWARDS , TO THE LEFT A HUGE SANDY BEACH CURVING GENTLY AWAY AND IN FRONT..... WELL WAVES , BIG WAVES .........VERY,VERY LOUD BIG WAVES .SHIT THEY ERM.... LOOK A BIT BIG , I THOUGHT , STILL I WAS NOT ABOUT TO LET THE OLD ROCK SOLID PURE ENGLISH GENE POOL DOWN (ANGLES,SAXONS,ROMANS ,CELTS ,NORMANS ETC) AND CHICKEN OUT . THEN DAVE APPEARED IN HIS SURF GUISE ...MY GOD ..AND HE LOOKED LIKE ONE CLAD IN A RED RASH VEST,BLACK BOARD SHORTS ,COOL WRAP AROUND SHADES AND A TAN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE ...
"OK PEOPLE THIS (FIST UP ) MEANS IM IN TROUBLE"
"THIS MEANS OK "
"THIS IS HOW YOU GET UP ON YOUR BOARD ( UP QUICKLY..LOOKED VERY EASY) .
"MIND THE RIP AND DO NOT DRIFT PASSED THIS OLD STONE HUT !"
"LAST ONE IN IS A TOSSER!"
AND OF HE RAN , THAT WAS OUR INSTRUCTION .
WELL... ARMED WITH A YELLOW AND BLUE WUSSY FLOATING STYROFOAM TRAINING BOARD I STRODE OUT TO BECOME A LEGEND AND WITHIN 5 MINS HAD NEARLY DROWNED TWICE , SEEN THE GERMAN BOY GLIDE EASILY PASSED ME AND GIVEN DAVE , THE NOW DEMI-GOD WELSHMAN THE FINGER AFTER HE CARVED OUT HIS INITIALS ON THE FACE OF THE WAVE PERFORMING FOR SOME CHICKS . MUST BE THE WUSSY FOAM BOARD , PAYED EXTRA AND DAVE GAVE ME A 7FT 2 INCH GLASS ONE FROM THE TRAILOR . NOW THEY WOULD PAY!....
3 HOURS WENT BY AND I HAD'NT STOOD FOR EVEN 5 SECS WHEN I COLLIDED WITH DAVE AND NEARLY SEVERED HIS ARM " JESUS DUDE " HE SAID "YOUR FINS HIT ME , YOUR RIDING THE BLOODY THING BACKWARDS!!!!!!!! IS'NT IT !" "AH.."I SAID

AFTER A DODGY ROLL FOR LUNCH WE TRIED AGAIN.. AGETHA AND RALPH TURNED OUT TO BE WINDSURFERS .....AND BY NOW WERE DOINGLY SICKENINGLY WELL ... THE BOY WAS JUST LUCKY AND THE NORWEGIAN (I NOW UNDERSTOOD TO BE CALLED MAGNUS) WAS ALSO A "JAMMY BUGGER"( TRANSLATION:A LUCKY BUGGER) HE ALWAYS MANAGED TO CATCH A WAVE ,NOT ALWAYS STAY UP BUT ALWAYS CATCH ONE . I WAS USELESS (POXY BOARD I THOUGHT ) IT MUST BE A CHEAP ONE!! THEN I SPIED A TAUT LITTLE CHICK WATCHING MY TALL THIN FRAME GLISTENING IN THE SUN SHINE AND THAT WAS IT......A CHICK OF NORMAL PROPORTIONS WITH ..WAIT.. WAS IT TRUE ..YES ...ALL HER OWN TEETH .AND SHE WAS WATCHING ME .THE SWELL WAS RISING AS I WATCHED BEHIND ME ,
BLIMEY THIS WAS GETTING HUGE I STARTED TO PADDLE AS QUICK AS I COULD , FELT THE ENORMOUS INCREASE IN SPEED AS THE BOARD CAUGHT THE WAVE AND THEN I WAS UP , UP AND ROCK SOLID ...I MUST LOOK GREAT I THOUGHT , MADE THE DROP AND WHAT A DROP... ALL OF 8 FT TURNED TIGHT AT THE BOTTOM AND CUT STRAIGHT ACROSS THE FACE OF THE EMERALD GREEN WALL AT BREAKNECK SPEED .THE TRAIL OF WHITE I LEFT EMBLAZONED ON THE FACE SEEMED TO FORM INTO LETTERS THEY SAID " TAKE NOTE A HERO IS BORN , COMPANION TO POSEIDON (AND THE LITTLE MERMAID ) COMMANDER OF THE WAVES AND FRIEND TO ALL MARINE LIFE (EXCEPT STONE FISH THAT ARE BUTT-UGLY) . I HIT THE LIP , POWERSLID WITH A NATRUAL GRACE AND STYLE THAT TOOK EVEN MY BREATH AWAY AND FINALLY CUT BACK UP THE FACE AND CAUGHT THE "PHATTEST " AIR YOU COULD IMAGINE .
I LANDED PHEW I'D BEEN GREAT ,NO FANTASTIC, THE CHICK ON THE BEACH WAS WAVING ALMOST OUT OF CONTROL HER HAIR SHOOK LIKE A WELLA AD , HER BREASTS WERE.........WELL ..GREAT MAN REALLY GREAT ...

WELL THE SESSION OVER I STRUGGLED OUT OF THE SEA TIRED,TIRED AND BEATEN UP ,TIRED AND BEATEN UP BUT A HERO , A LEGEND . I WALKED INTO THE SEA STUMBLING , TRIPPING OVER MY LEASH WITH A WUSSY PIECE OF FOAM AND EMERGED A WAVE CHASING , CHICK LOVING , NEEDLE THREADING LOVE GOD , A LONE WOLF ON THE PROWL , A SMOKING GUN LOOKING FOR A TARGET MADE OF HONEY .........A SHORT FAT BIRD GROWLED "WELL HOW WAS IT ?"
SHIT................ BACK TO REALITY , "IT" NEEDED TELLING AND LATER ON THAT DAY AFTER THE "FOREIGNERS " HAD ADMITTED THAT " YES THEY HAD INDEED BEEN INFERIOR TO MY HERITAGE AND EVEN THOUGH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS SOME 10,000 GERMAN WORDS AND 30,000 FRENCH WORDS INFLUENCING IT .THE ENGLISH ARE SUPERIOR AND WITHOUT EQUAL OR INFLUENCE IN EUROPE WHEN IT COMES TO LARGING IT IN THE SURF!!!!!!!!!!......................... I TOLD "IT"HOW IT WAS GOING TO BE FROM NOW ON....

"IT!" RECEIVING "IT'S " MARCHING ORDERS IS THE STUFF OF LEGENDS AND FOR A DIFFERENT FORUM ALTOGETHER SO FOR NOW .................::